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Always wanted to be in a rock band but didn't know how?
Here's a great guide to get you started:

What you'll need:

- At least 3 friends who support your cause
- At least 1 functioning guitar and 1 person who can play it
- A drum set, a microphone+stand, a keyboard/bass guitar
- Amplifiers, preferably loud ones
- A garage
- Parents who don't like noise

What you don't have to have, but will help:

- Knowledge of how to play the drums/bass/keyboard
- Singing talent
- Flashy outfits and long hair
- An uncle who can fix you up a gig

Starting off:

The first thing you need when making up a rock band is a sweet name. Your name can be:
- A totally random bunch of letters: zerxang works well
- A totally random bunch of words: flat max dumplings is great
- A word combo: smokebusters
- Your name and a plural random word: Alex and the French-burgers
- Anything else, as long as it's meaningless and cool

Phase 2- Practicing

Don't let people fool you- being a garage rock band isn't about performing. It's about practicing, and this is where your equipment gets in handy. You should attempt to play several songs, and rehearse them as loud as you can. Some song tips:
- Heavy Metal song covers
- Simple rock songs, if you want to get serious
- Covers of any song your parents hate will do

You may also attempt to rehearse original songs after you've mastered a few covers. Some song writing tips:
- Stealing known tunes is fair game if you're not recording them
- Topics to write about: love, hate, violence, substance abuse (DON'T DO DRUGS), school
- Topics you shouldn't write about: anything that matters to anybody

Once you have decided on a good amount of songs (3 is enough), do your best to play them.

Repeat twice weekly, for 6-8 weeks. Or as much as you want, what do I care.

Performance time!

If you've get the optional uncle, or else applied for and scored a performance at an amateur Battle of the Bands, great. Here are important performance tips:

Mandatory performance rules:
- Scream as loud as you can at all times
- Mess up at least one song
- Play at least one cover
- Try to engage the audience by shouting "come on!", "everyone", etc.
- Fail at engaging the audience
- Include at least one technical malfunction (ex. broken guitar string, amplifier explosion) in your act
- Announce that you're better than the competition (if there is one)- "we rock".

Optional performance tips:
- Play something the audience likes
- Play well
- Be entertaining
- Thank the audience at the end of the gig by throwing something at them.

Woo! Yeah! Rock on!

(Disclaimer: These tips are intended as a joke only. Images are used as illustrations only, the subjects pictured have nothing to do with the article. Please do not take any of this seriously or try this at home. You have been warned)